lab rat from hell

[With apologies to the Bastard System Operator from Hell]

Ring ring. 

Gotta man the phones. Retail people are supposed to do it, but they are scum, dealing with teenagers who are stealing Prada frames. Stay cool, focused. Pick up phone.

“FuckyouforcallingLenscrafters, my name is Lenny, how many I help you?”
“… what”
“Sir?”
“What did you say”
“I said ‘thank you for calling Lenscrafters, my name is Lenny…’”
“That’s not what I heard”
“I’m sorry we only treat eye impairments, please visit your doctor for more information on how to treat hearing problems.” Hang up.

Ring ring.
“Thankyouforcallinglenscraftersthisislennyspeakinghowmayihelpyou”
“Hey”
(pause)
“Uh, hi.”
“How are you?”
Pause. Do I know this person? Should I recognize the voice? Shit. Just give the stock answer.
“I’m alive.”
“Haha”
“Yeah.”
“Listen…”
(pause, sound of breathing)
“I, uh… ordered glasses four days ago… you guys said that it would take four days to arrive… by special order…”
“Yes sir, it usually takes about two weeks to arrive by special order from our affiliate.”
“But I was told four days…”
“No, you were told seven to ten days.”
“But I was told…”
“Sir, our name is ‘Lenscrafters’. But what we do best is craft lies.”
“oh”

Ring.
“Jose’s glasses emporium, my name is Slave Laborer number seventeen, how may I direct your call?”
Hangup. That was easy!

Ringy dingy.
“Thank-”
“YES WHERE ARE MY GLASSES I NEED THEM TO SEE”
“Aha, interesting. Well, while we cannot give you any temporary glasses, we do have a temporary solution. Did you know that if you scrunch your fingers up into little circles like a fist, and allow just a bit of light through between the arch, and then look through it, your vision will be distorted? This will correct for the problematic shape of your eyeballs which causes bluriness.”
“BUT I NEED TO DRIVE”
“You’re driving me crazy right now, ha-ha! Sorry, just a bit of dry humor there, thanks for playing along.”
“WHAT DON’T BE A SMARTASS I WANT MY GLASSES OR I WILL TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE”
“There is no ‘elsewhere’. We’re a de facto oligopoly. Our parent company owns a half-dozen subsidiary lens-manufacturing companies, all of which give the appearance of competition, but which are in fact simply sister-branches of one large conglomerate. The only competition within the scope of our vast consumer base is Wal-Mart optical, another oligopoly. The rest are an aggregate of small businesses who are frankly of no significance.”
“WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MY GLASSES”
“Nothing. But I see you have polarized reflective lenses on order. Did you know that the Ancient Principle in classical metaphysics predicts that every visible point upon a reflective surface will look like it originates from the intersection of the reflected rays and perpendicular of incidence? Taken to logical conclusions, this means that concave reflective surfaces will allow you to see into infinity and beyond. Frankly, isn’t that worth the wait?”
“SHUT UP WHERE ARE MY GLASSES”
“Your glasses should arrive within six days.”
“OH OKAY WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SAY THAT”
“It’s not the goal that matters, it’s the journey.”
It’s much easier to encourage them hang up on you than vice-versa.